


I don't Wanna Love You Anymore

by alimacbrux



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, I'm Sorry, M/M, Phandom Fic Fest: Shuffle Mode, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 21:46:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18302516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alimacbrux/pseuds/alimacbrux
Summary: Dan can tell Phil is falling out of love. He doesn't want this, but Dan knows the only way to protect himself is to let Phil go.





	I don't Wanna Love You Anymore

Dan never thought he would ever feel Phil falling out of love with him. Sure, in the early years, that was his biggest fear, an everlasting presence sitting just behind him with its claws ready to pounce. But they were secure all these years later, having lived through so much shit and still stayed together. 

But Phil was becoming distant more and more. He went out more often, leaving Dan alone in their London flat with just his thoughts for company. They barely talked anymore, barely laughed at their old inside jokes which used to fall easily from their lips, doubling over with giggles and shrieks. 

Dan stared up at the ceiling, the ticking of their alarm clock echoing in his ears. Beside him, Phil was too far away, back turned to Dan. Dan longed to reach out and touch, wished he could pull him closer in the dark like he used to. He missed the familiar warmth of being wrapped up in Phil's strong arms, running his fingers through the jet black hair which contrasted so well with the white sheets they slept on every night. 

Dan knew they couldn't keep going on like this. They were running in circles, an obscene carousel without any end, the music box broken and leaving them in an uncommon silence. The closer Dan got to Phil, the farther he got again. It was exhausting trying to keep up a relationship that was inevitably coming to an end. 

Dan never thought he would say this, but he wished he didn't love Phil. He wished he was falling out of love just as much as Phil was, just so that the break up was far less painful, far less cruel. He was so sick of the heartbreak and they hadn't even split up yet. 

Sighing, Dan turned to look at the time on the alarm clock. It was just after four. Still awake, still thinking, still breaking. 

Sometimes, Dan wanted to make amends. He wanted to ask Phil what was wrong, wanted to find out what was going on behind those cold eyes which had once been filled with so much warmth just at the sight of Dan. He wanted to find out where he went wrong. How long had they been going in this endless loop? 

Was it months now? Had Phil fallen for someone else that time he went away for a few weeks to Florida with his family? Surely he hadn't met anyone then. 

Maybe it was the first time Phil went out clubbing with an old uni friend a few weeks ago. What if it was the uni friend? 

What if Phil fell out of love all those years ago, back when they first moved into their London flat. Dan had been pretty horrible back then, caving under the pressure of becoming famous suddenly and his failure at university. He treated Phil like dirt back then, so Dan wouldn't be surprised if Phil had lost all hope for him back in 2012. 

But then why was he staying? Why didn't he just leave? What was the point of staying with Dan for months upon months, digging the blade deeper and deeper into Dan's chest until all that was left was half a man? Was it some kind of absurd revenge for how Dan had acted? Some cruel plot to make Dan suffer for his actions? Could he just not be bothered to put effort into breaking up, hoping Dan would just crack and do it for him? 

No. It couldn't be that. Phil wasn't a cruel person. Far from it. He was sweet and caring and loyal and protective and kind. He was a beautiful man with an even more beautiful heart. Surely he wasn't doing this? 

But when was the last time they spoke properly? Dan couldn't remember a moment they had laughed together in months. He couldn't pinpoint the last meaningful conversation they had. Hell, he could barely remember a conversation at all that didn't revolve around their work or boring small talk. 

Dan tugged hard on his curls, letting a pathetic sob out. Kicking the covers aside, Dan stumbled to his feet, padding carefully out of the bedroom and down the hall. Dan flicked on the lights to the kitchen and searched around the cupboards for a glass. He filled it up with water, downing it quickly and repeating the process another three times. 

Out of the corner of his eye, on his fourth glass of too cold water, Dan noticed a familiar suitcase settled at the top of the stairs. Knitting his eyebrows together, Dan wandered over and grabbed the bag, putting it down so he could unzip it. 

A gasp escaped at the contents: an endless pile of bright coloured clothes, a toiletry bag and various chargers and electronics. Phil's things. 

“No, no, no, no,” Dan groaned, shoving the case away like he'd been scalded. Dan picked up some of the items of clothes in the bag, feeling hot tears trailing down his cheeks and onto his pajamas. He kept on sobbing out, “No, no, no, no, no,” as if it was a spell that could keep Phil from leaving. 

Above him, the lights suddenly clicked on, making Dan yelp and nearly shove the whole bag down the stairs. 

“Dan? What–oh.” 

Dan carefully got to his feet, legs shaking like gelatine and turned to face his boyfriend. He looked almost guilty, biting on his bottom lip and looking down at his feet. 

“You're leaving,” Dan breathed, voice surprisingly steady and sure. He saw this coming, after all. 

Phil hung his head, taking a deep breath in and out. “Yes,” he replied, finally looking back up at Dan. 

“But why?” 

Phil sighed, running his hands through his hair, mussing up his quiff. Dan used to find that sexy, but now it just hurt. “I'm sorry. I just–I think I need a break. I was going to tell you, but I never found the right time.” 

“So, what? You were just going to leave without telling me? You were gonna drop a bombshell on me the day you left so that I couldn't stop you? What the fuck, Phil. You should have fucking told me weeks ago instead of letting me go on like some pathetic child desperately trying to fix things when you were planning your escape this entire time,” Dan rambled, wiping furiously at the tears still staining his face.

“I know. I know. I should have,” Phil replied helplessly, flapping his arms slightly, “But I just didn't know how to.” 

“How long? How long have you stopped loving me?” 

“God, I don't know. A few weeks. A month maybe. Not that long,” Phil explained, eyes darting to the floor again in obvious shame. 

“Only a few weeks?” 

Phil nodded. “Well, at least that's how long since I first noticed I no longer loved you like that. I'm so sorry.” 

“You said you wanted a break, not a break up. what does that mean exactly?” 

Phil shrugged, messing up his hair again. “I was planning to go stay with Martyn. Maybe I'm just confused or something. We've hardly spent a week apart since we moved in together, maybe we just need some time off and then we'll be okay again.” 

Dan knew Phil wouldn't actually come back. A short break would turn into a long one and then soon enough, Dan would find out from a mutual friend that Phil was seeing someone new and that would be it. No closure, just a long drawn out suffering. 

Dan shook his head, crouching down to zip up Phil's bag for him. “We both know that's bullshit, Phil. You don't love me anymore, so just dump me and you can go, instead of drawing this out any further. It might actually kill me,” Dan replied, straightening his posture as he handed Phil his case. 

“But what about us? What about our plans and our jobs? We can't just give that up,” Phil tried, voice somewhat pleading, a frown etched in his face. 

“Who cares? I hardly post anymore anyway. You should have thought about this, Phil.” 

“I know. I'm sorry.” 

“Don't apologise, Phil. You couldn't help it,” Dan replied dismissively, swatting his hand, “Just go. Please.” 

Phil opened his mouth to argue, but promptly closed it at the frown Dan shot him. Sighing, Phil nodded his head and shuffled past Dan, making his way slowly down the steps. With every thud of the bag on the steps, Dan's heart broke a little more. He swallowed down a sob that threatened to break free again, watching Phil struggle with unlocking the front door and then put his bag out into the hall. 

Phil paused, looking back up the steps over his shoulder. They made eye contact for a brief second, though Dan quickly looked away, eyes burning with tears waiting to leak out like a cracked dam. 

“Goodbye, Dan,” Phil said quietly, leaning against the door frame. 

“Yeah. Bye, Phil,” Dan replied, voice cracking on the end. He cleared his throat in an attempt to cover it, but he knew that wouldn't fool Phil. They had been together too long. 

And then with one last bob of the head, Phil slipped outside into the hallway, shutting the door behind him with a click which seemed to echo through the entire apartment. Finally alone, Dan let himself slide down the wall and onto the floor, just in time for the dam to explode and thick wet cries to fill the flat. 

Dan didn't want to keep loving Phil, but it was for the best.

**Author's Note:**

> Literally never write sad endings, but it fit with the song. I'm sorry! 
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr @etherephil


End file.
